Today’s Political News:

 

In one of the most fiery exchanges yet in the 2004 presidential campaign, President George W. Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry took their debate over national security to a whole new level during a “chance” meeting in Hudson, Wisconsin.  During a speech, President Bush declared that the country would be less safe under a Kerry presidency. Surprisingly, Kerry rose and began heckling Bush in the audience. As secret service members began to move toward the heckling candidate – disguised with a cheesehead and Brett Favre jersey – Kerry’s own secret service delegation rose to defend him. After an awkward moment confronting each other, the secret service members were sucked into a black hole that opened in the ground, having reached a security paradox.

 

Kerry then sprinted up to the stage and yelled that if Bush were re-elected, more 7-year olds would die in fiery terrorist attacks. Bush responded by acknowledging the 7-year old gap, but then claimed that Kerry would not do enough to protect 5-year olds. Kerry called disagreeing with his policies a dirty Republican tactic, and suggested it was improper for anyone to question his dedication to protecting 5-year olds when he had proven his commitment to that group during his service in Vietnam. Kerry noted that the only Vietnamese person he had shot in the back was at least 16.  After several more minutes of haggling, Kerry elevated the attack.

 

“Just look around you,” Kerry noted.  “Has Bush taken the proper security precautions here to protect the many 7-year olds among you? How can you expect anyone to protect 7-year olds when they haven’t even been to Vietnam, where I proudly served for 17 years. Look at this 3 millimeter scar; I got it in Vietnam, when I proudly served in Cambodia.”

 

“Oh, why don’t you go windsurf in Lambert Field, you major league asshole,” Bush retorted to audible gasps and calls for prayer among the crowd.

 

“You have made this country less safe by your distraction with the Iraq war, which was clearly orchestrated by Karl Rove and the Swift Boat Veterans,” Kerry responded. “And I served in Vietnam,” he added.

 

“The simple truth is that if you were President on 9/11 you would have pissed your pants and called France to ask them what we should do,” Bush yelled.

 

“That is simply not true. I would not have pissed my pants,” Kerry said with a hint of desperation. “And I served in –”

 

“Viet-fucking-nam, we heard you the first thousand times,” Bush said to resounding cheers and talk radio banter.

 

Perhaps feeling his momentum fading, and after receiving the latest minute-by-minute polls from 13 battleground states, Kerry decided to strike back with the final ace up his sleeve. To more gasps and calls for bible study from the audience, Kerry called up his vice-presidential candidate, John Edwards, to the stage. Edwards had been disguised in the audience as a gigantic map featuring two separate Americas.

 

“I can prove to you people that George W. Bush, W standing for Wahhabism, does not care about the security of 7-year old children,” Kerry began.

 

At that stage, a busload of 7-year old children rushed to the stage.

 

“John, you know what to do,” Kerry added.

 

At that time, John Edwards screamed, “God is great, how dare you question John Kerry’s servicccccccceeeeeeeeeeeee!” He then exploded, killing himself and 22 7-year old children, and wounding 13 more.

 

“If only Edwards had shown that kind of fire in the belly in the primaries,” a Kerry staffer exclaimed without a hint of irony.

 

“You see,” Kerry said, “George W. Bush has left these children behind, and he failed to secure this rally because he was distracted by Vietnam, I mean Iraq – where I volunteered to serve in 1973.”

 

Members of the Iraqi Veterans for Partial Truth group vowed to respond to that claim by the end of the day with a new television commercial.

 

As ambulances arrived, audience members read from the bible, and the vortex created by the security paradox continued to suck in secret service agents, George W. Bush had only one thing left to add in his thickest Texas accent:

 

“Touche, John Kerry. Touche. Get Karl on the phone – Colin’s gonna have to eat it!”

 

When asked why Colin Powell would be the chosen person to detonate himself for the campaign, a Bush staffer explained that “he’s the only moderate we’ve got left.” He then added that Bush had not meant to speak French during the campaign, and assured the press that the President still hated those “frog bastards.”

 

A Hudson resident and audience member was queried about the turn of campaign events, and he responded in a state of shock.

 

“But what about taxes,” he murmered, his face charred. He then walked away repeating the question to himself.

 

It was a question that would have no answer today.

 

The candidates are expected to appear at a memorial rally in Minneapolis for the 7-year old children tomorrow. Each candidate has agreed to refrain from suicide bombing for the day. Prince is expected to appear, and he will be handing out free CD’s for all that attend.